Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
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Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Hey I worked for it too!
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.