Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

This headline is a thing of beauty

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.