Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

So sorry

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

Kermit goes Blue.

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.