Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

i have one speed and it’s mosey

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

per my last wtf

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it