Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

The options really are this bad

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

This is my cat’s medicine.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

When you try jalapeños for the first time

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?