Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.