Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge