Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
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Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Otters drive ottermobiles.