Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
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I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background