Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

When I laugh on my period

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?