Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!