Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
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Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?