Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
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Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”