boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.