boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Guilty! 🤪
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down