Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.