Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
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“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Good for him.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.