Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mornin

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Had an epiphany today.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses