Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
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‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.