Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]