Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
You Might Also Like
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
a badder mouse
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Today I’m going to give it my almost
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.