Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
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Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”