Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not