Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
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Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.