Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
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It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
I am also baked goods
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Blocked: 1985
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit