Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.