Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve