Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.