Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Icarus loved hot wings.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat