Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
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I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number