Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

car not found

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!