Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Joseph Smith, 1833
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
Cheer up.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car