Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.