Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

This is Sparta

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Huge if true.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?