Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

black phone good

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