Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices