Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

The Friday File.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]