Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
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I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.