Boy never ceases to amaze me
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911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
barbara was highly relatable
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.