Boy never ceases to amaze me
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
![]()
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Roses are red
Violets are blue![]()
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.