boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
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A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
smh
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
😭😭😭😭
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My neck my back my allergy attack
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…