Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
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I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?