Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old