Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”