boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.