Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

😂🤣😂🤣

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts