Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff