Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
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You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My daily affirmation
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk