Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
