@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!

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@MarfSalvador

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

@rolldiggity

I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they’re safe for a day, but why aren’t they good enough for a holiday meal?

@paigeofmylife2

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

@cydbeer

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

@daplusk

Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.

@DaddyJew

7: I didn’t do my homework

Me: why not?

7: they told us to write about the new president

Me: so?

7: you told me not to cuss

@hippieswordfish

*newspaper headline*
BIDEN’S EMAIL HACKED
-‘it was easy’ the hackers said ‘his password was ‘password’

@UnFitz

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

@Lisabug74

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

@AristotlesNZ

Hi. We noticed you Googled “How do I keep IT from seeing my browser history” yesterday at 3:21pm. How’d that work out for you?