@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!

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@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

@CorkyKneivel

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

@michaelianblack

Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”

@JasonCarney31

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

@TEXASVETERAN

I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that’s why girls call me Frankenstein.

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

@kramediggles

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

@suzannemariedo

Teenaged Shark: *opening lunch box* ughh not peanut butter and jellyfish AGAIN