Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
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Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.