boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!

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[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*


I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they’re safe for a day, but why aren’t they good enough for a holiday meal?


My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.


What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use


Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.


7: I didn’t do my homework

Me: why not?

7: they told us to write about the new president

Me: so?

7: you told me not to cuss


*newspaper headline*
-‘it was easy’ the hackers said ‘his password was ‘password’


Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.


I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.


Hi. We noticed you Googled “How do I keep IT from seeing my browser history” yesterday at 3:21pm. How’d that work out for you?