Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Britain be like

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

🤣😂

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL