Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

Good boy 😂😂

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

me as a parent

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man