Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

Candles never taste the way they smell

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma: