boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
You Might Also Like
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”