boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”