Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles