Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
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My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
🎵 I can’t wait to
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
We are the people our parents warned us about.