@shariv67

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

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@kieransofar

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

@Mom_Overboard

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move

@mamapjs1

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

@dorsalstream

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

@rn_murse

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

@UncleDuke1969

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

@imchriskelly

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

@Cravin4

There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.