schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
him: my dad left when I was little
me: before rush hour, smart move
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.