Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

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schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now


[Extremely heavy metal voice]



him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move


The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.


ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.


I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”


“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”


I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.


There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.