Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
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Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Smile they said.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what