Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
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Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
drew a comic about my origin story
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My work here is done
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?