Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
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My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.