Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Is this you?

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year