Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

[shakes fist at other fist]

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet