Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

I have obtained a hat

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.