Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

*frowns in Scottish*

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

want me to check your oil?

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

🤣