Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
You Might Also Like
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
LOL
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”