Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
translated into Canadian
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler