Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

me after i passed that state trooper

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.