Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.