Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

old twitter is back baby

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.