*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
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Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
What the hell happened here.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.