*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see