Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

My spirit animal is fried chicken

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!