Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

I feel attacked.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

the dark web is just a goth google.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.