Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*